#39. Reflections
I don't want to grow up. I want to grow old asap. Either.
Ok, I know its kinda weird to want the extremes even though its either but what I really want is not to be an adult or even a young adult.
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I'm kinda disappointed with the happenings lately I guess, although I've always been. With things in life, I'm sick. Very sick. The things that I found no meaning in doing, the time I've wasted doing things I found no meaning in.
I feeling like blasting my ears now but I can't cos pple need to sleep. I feel like writing a all fucked up entry here but I cannot cos it wouldn't be nice to read. I wanna get off trying to stay the same and allowing my life to be controlled by some people with the same red blood as I do but tried hard to be different. I want to fuck up all leaders. Sometimes I just want to stop breathing all together. But you and I know we can't because.. because of other people.
I know its wrong to say that I hate people when they show me concern at times because then I cannot do things that do them wrong. But don't you think its so freaking hard that you have to take into account feelings, thoughts and ideas that are perhaps transcient? I don't know but I feel sick, feel so sick to spare a thought for other people, to care, to concern, to love or whatsoever.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Sometimes I just want to run away, live in a world of my own, a few books and my camera. To get away from leaders and systems that try to ruin my life with the name of the good for the economy or the country. To get away from constantly trying to spare a thought for ... friends and people whom I love. Its all my suppressed other self trying so hard to break away from everything. All I want is perhaps to tear this fucked up world of mine and release my pissed off soul for maybe, just a moment. But I won't show, I won't show.
Freedom, or more precisely democracy.
I'm feeling better from that bit of writing, really and I know I will feel better. Anyway, I will make myself feel better and I must because the past is too painful an endless pit to fall back again.
***
This is one new discovery about myself: I like intelligent boys. No, its not the kind of intelligent boys you might be thinking of right now- the 4As type or maybe the single pointers. Rather, boys who make me feel stupid. (read: I'm smart. hahhaha) Nah, I'm not boosting or whatsoever but few boys do really make me feel stupid or less intellectual. Perhaps its crap but, he makes me feel he's learned and I want to learn.
But I'm generally satisfied with my emotional life now (although I complained like hell above) because again I must emphasis the love from my friends and family. I always believe love is like energy. Haha, neither destroyed nor created but can transfer from on form to another. And for mine, a current interchange of love from friends and family with total remaining constant.
亲情和友情使我如今的精神支柱。爱情嘛，身外物。我是个相信没有情活不了的人，但没有爱情的生活对我来说反而是种解脱，是自由。心里 unoccupied， 我活得更开心，真的。 爱情那一环节，再说吧。
James Blunt - Tears and Rain
Ok, I know its kinda weird to want the extremes even though its either but what I really want is not to be an adult or even a young adult.
How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.
I'm kinda disappointed with the happenings lately I guess, although I've always been. With things in life, I'm sick. Very sick. The things that I found no meaning in doing, the time I've wasted doing things I found no meaning in.
I feeling like blasting my ears now but I can't cos pple need to sleep. I feel like writing a all fucked up entry here but I cannot cos it wouldn't be nice to read. I wanna get off trying to stay the same and allowing my life to be controlled by some people with the same red blood as I do but tried hard to be different. I want to fuck up all leaders. Sometimes I just want to stop breathing all together. But you and I know we can't because.. because of other people.
I know its wrong to say that I hate people when they show me concern at times because then I cannot do things that do them wrong. But don't you think its so freaking hard that you have to take into account feelings, thoughts and ideas that are perhaps transcient? I don't know but I feel sick, feel so sick to spare a thought for other people, to care, to concern, to love or whatsoever.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Sometimes I just want to run away, live in a world of my own, a few books and my camera. To get away from leaders and systems that try to ruin my life with the name of the good for the economy or the country. To get away from constantly trying to spare a thought for ... friends and people whom I love. Its all my suppressed other self trying so hard to break away from everything. All I want is perhaps to tear this fucked up world of mine and release my pissed off soul for maybe, just a moment. But I won't show, I won't show.
Freedom, or more precisely democracy.
I'm feeling better from that bit of writing, really and I know I will feel better. Anyway, I will make myself feel better and I must because the past is too painful an endless pit to fall back again.
***
This is one new discovery about myself: I like intelligent boys. No, its not the kind of intelligent boys you might be thinking of right now- the 4As type or maybe the single pointers. Rather, boys who make me feel stupid. (read: I'm smart. hahhaha) Nah, I'm not boosting or whatsoever but few boys do really make me feel stupid or less intellectual. Perhaps its crap but, he makes me feel he's learned and I want to learn.
But I'm generally satisfied with my emotional life now (although I complained like hell above) because again I must emphasis the love from my friends and family. I always believe love is like energy. Haha, neither destroyed nor created but can transfer from on form to another. And for mine, a current interchange of love from friends and family with total remaining constant.
亲情和友情使我如今的精神支柱。爱情嘛，身外物。我是个相信没有情活不了的人，但没有爱情的生活对我来说反而是种解脱，是自由。心里 unoccupied， 我活得更开心，真的。 爱情那一环节，再说吧。
James Blunt - Tears and Rain
recollects @ 10/12/2005 09:46:00 PM
3 Comments:
ok its 15 min to 3am. im so tired i didnt finish reading the whole entry.
but i understand tt part abt growing old immediately. i think tt all the time. so at least we dun need to go through another 50 years of crappy life.
but we dont have a choice. unfortunately.
so embrace life when we can. cus more often than not, we regret not cherishing moments which we previously had. but by the time you realise it, you can never get it back.
so yah.. i'm currently still trying to put words into action.
see you in 5 hours time.
erms, call me, complain to me. though I can't be a good consoler but then, I am a good listener. =D
you must take care ah. I miss you, cannot fall sick. hahas! well, see ya soon after my 'O's.
i bet you're suffering from pms la. you'll prolly think otherwise next week. :)
there's so much in store for us, you just need to explore slowly. :) have patience! <3
your love, faith.
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