#119. I should stop putting rotton apples in the basket.

This week is gonna be a real busy one with mock spa, 2 tests on friday and all that catching up of lectures and tutorials. Its really kinda sad you know,that after a short break from all that hectic lifestyle due to one reason or another, you find that life becomes worse than before. It becomes even more sick just to think that the holidays are just two weeks away yet is already so packed to the point that you wish it's never going to come. But somehow or another, I do like the way life is to this extent that it leaves you no chances of escaping into thoughts of nonsensical stuff which apparently has been the greatest waste of time.

Last night was apparently one of those time wasting ones which I actually thought alot about the things happening lately. Very much, it boils down to the people around me which I seemed to have brought up a problem some entries ago. Here, it might be a little cryptical to read but I have to write around in circles cos I don't know if they wil be reading this and I don't want to cause unnecessary misunderstandings. And somehow I've no other places to confide than here.

The thing is, there hasn't been a problem until I tried creating one. I mean, all the time we had fun together, we laughed, we joked until one day I realised that I don't belong. I feel that I don't belong where I chose to be. Perhaps I didn't define my identity right in the first place, maybe I just didn't blend into the crowd. I tried to, but I just couldn't help. I just couldn't find a common fabric between us which I can possibily hold on to. I cannot.

And then I felt disgusted too. I stil feel so. By the way I've always been thinking, the way I spoke, the things I want to speak, and even the way I had tried to be. I feel more disgusted when I thought about how I'd tried being nice, sincere and thoughful or even friendly.

Maybe a little angry and betrayed as well.
But thats not the point, and now I know why physically my toe went numb!