最难忘的那句话

我真希望跟你一起变老，
老到没法子再听到你说你爱我为止。

希望你快乐。
希望你幸福。:)

AWE

A new and simple layout. (:
Actually its not really done yet cos there's still this stupid image which refuse to be where I want it to be no matter how I tried editting the codes.

Anyway, the common tests are finally over and besides that, I don't wish to mention much about them. Yes, its that bad given my amount of preparation.

5 consecutive days of holidays to follow including weekends and youthday. Rejoice!

Tomorrow is specialday again and apparently I still have yet to plans for myself. But ain't it just amazing how this day always ended up being a free day? :)

Well, eventually he made the move and apparently I'm at a loss given the fact that I've already pre-made the final decision.

Hmmm.
Goodnight.

没有前进的余地

理智催促我前进。
感性却一直把我往后抛。
徘徊在现实与过去，
是残酷的。
也很痛苦。

我承认善变。
但有些事
还是不由得我想变就变的。
习惯了，也就很难去改变。

习惯了自由。
习惯了平静。
习惯了逃避。
习惯了这样的感觉。

告别不了的，
是那个我一直无法了解的自己。
迎接不来的，
更是那个因无法了解
而迷失的自己。

别怪我冷漠，
别怪我自私。
别对我太温柔。

别对我太温柔。

因为
最终，
我选择了原地踏步。

那应该是我对自己，
最好的交代。

Damien Rice-Cannonball.

前进？
我还有顾虑。

后退？
我没有权利。

还是... 继续原地踏步？

Dying.

Integration.
Statistics.
Mechanics.
Matrices.
Charged Particles.
Analogue Electronics.
Market Structure.
GP.
And my favourite Unemployment(Macro and Micro).

Tell me, how am I gonna finish?

Project Runaway.

Let pictures do the talking for where I've been these 2 days, not studying.


We were just trying to feel slim before we set off for Batam in this mirror @ Harbourfront Mall.


On the ferry. We've got nothing to do. He wanted to act like a stupid dog so I acted like a stupid pig.


Amanda, my mother's best teenage friend. Yes, my mother.



Brothers are the best and worse THINGS on earth.



I'm not trying to be mysterious. Anyway, this jacket kinda smells.


They were just trying to prove that my side view don't suck and with Melvin, its true.


I feel so blissful with him around. :)


Its not my brother's nosetrils. Its an ALIEN invasion.


Thats what I call a fufilling childhood.


Caught in the act of coughing. HOHO!


2 days of mugging lost. A kinship earned.


I told You.


Slums and squatters can be beautiful too.


Art.


This was the kelong we went to for cheap seafood. We had like a million craps and gonggong and lotsa other things for like only S$100+. Damn cheap!


Cute right. Anyway before this, we saw this man in a sampan with his family of 4 who came to this kelong restarant to sell his catch. I didn't manage to take a photo of his wife and the 2 kids but they were damn cute.(Cos its damn paisei when they're like eyeing me. Ya i mean eyeing.) Anyway, Amanda said they were such poor thing. But I thought otherwise cos i think its a blissful thing too when u lead a simple life like this: the wife waits in the sampan while the man sells his catch and thereafter head back home with the gains. Poor as it is but filling in the heart. Ain't urban people like us filled in the pockets but poor in the heart too?


And this is for this thing about me for billboards. I LOVE BILLBOARDS!


LALA. I needa log off to study now, even though I really hate to.
Since A.student(its a funny nick) supposed I love studying which I think I still do, but perhaps to a lesser extent than before.

Life is more about that right?
I think you will agree with me. :)

Goodnight.

Being alike is a painful thing.

And the most painful thing is about not feeling the pain at all.

Its a Sunny Yellow Banana Day.

I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to study.

Can I? :(

解脱- 张惠妹

爱是不夜城
回忆像星辰
热泪越沸腾
我越感觉有点冷
变了心的人
越想越伤人
枯坐到清晨
阳光替房间开了灯
想
若结局一样
又何苦再想
伤
若让人成长
我为什么怕分手的伤
解脱是肯承认这是个错
我不应该还不放手
你有自由走我有自由好好过
解脱是懂擦干泪看以后
找个新方向往前走
这世界辽阔
我总会实现一个梦
想
像结局一样

我不想再这样子做个爱情逃兵。
:)

Locking Yourself Out, Then Trying to Get Back In.

This is a very nice poem by Raymond Carver.

You simply go out and shut the door
without thinking. And when you look back
at what you've done
it's too late. If this sounds
like the story of a life, okay.

It was raining. The neighbours who had
a key were away. I tried and tried
the lower windows. Stared
inside at the sofa, plants, the table
and chairs, the stereo set-up.
My coffee cup and ashtray waited for me
on the glass-topped table, and my heart
went out to them. I said, Hello, friends,
or something like that. After all,
this wasn't so bad.
Worse things had happened.
This was even a little funny.

I found the ladder.
Took that and leaned it against the house.
Then climbed in the rain to the deck,
swung myself over the railing
and tried the door. Which was locked,
of course. But I looked in just the same
at my desk, some papers, and my chair.
This was the window on the other side
of the desk where I'd raise my eyes
and stare out when I sat at that desk.
This is not like downstairs, I thought.
This is something else.

And it was something to look in like that, unseen,
from the deck. To be there, inside, and not be there.
I don't even think I can talk about it.
I brought my face close to the glass
and imagined myself inside,
sitting at the desk. Looking up
from my work now and again.
Thinking about some other place
and some other time.
The people I had loved then.

I stood there for a minute in the rain.
Considering myself to be the luckiest of men.
Even though a wave of grief passed through me.
Even though I felt violently ashamed
of the injury I'd done back then.
I bashed that beautiful window.
And stepped back in.

冷漠的人清醒

很多年前，有一个人跟我说：

　　“不要怨恨冷漠的人，他冷漠，因为他清醒。”
　　那时候，我不认为做人应该那么清醒。

　　一次，看一本教女人如何复仇的书。作者说，对付一个对你不忠的丈夫，最残忍不是趁他熟睡时把他阉割，让他一觉醒来，发现自己那话儿不见了。最残忍的是把他四肢缚起来，让他清醒地看着自己被阉割。
　　清醒的人是痛苦的。可惜，人愈大，便愈来愈清醒。

　　你清醒地知道那个人是否适合你。
　　你清醒地知道他是否一个能够跟你共度余生的人。
　　你清醒地告诉自己，算了吧，不要爱上他。
　　你清醒地计算代价，然后考虑自己是否付得起这个代价。
　　你清醒地不容许自己将来后悔。
　　你清醒地知道激情火花和恩情道义的分别。
　　你清醒地看到你和他最多维持三年，那已经是最好的结果。
　　你能够清醒地控制自己的欲念，你知道自己在做什么。

　　很多人喜欢“难得糊涂”这四个字，一刻的糊涂，不过是自我放纵，并不难得。糊涂之后，怎样收拾残局，那才是难事。那么，不如清醒一点。

冷漠，也很痛苦。
但也许就只有这样，才不必在一起走完那段路之后，回头去寻找那些散落在地上的感觉，路已经走完。

－张小娴

Nostalgia

Hustings finally ended on a beautiful note after 4 whole hours of screwing the year1s upside down last last evening. True enough, the person of my vote was entrusted with the job of taking over my post and ya, I'm not exaggerating when I said I was on the verge of tears when the key was passed on to my successor.

Its not just amazing but scary how quickly time left us and it has been a year since everything has ever started. It still seems like yesterday when I first went up on stage. And now its yesterday that someone else has already took over my place.

Coming to an end, fair enough, wednesdays and fridays will be different from now onwards. There will no longer be excuses for tutorials undone due to 9 or 10 pm late night trainings. No more sumo dinners. No more eunos trainings. No more Jalan Tenaga-s. No more comm meetings.

Now I wonder how life would be for me for the remaining 5 months with my only support in TJ gone. I wonder how I'm going to survive with my only outlet gone. I wonder all that I do not dare to imagine.

Will the friendships survive?
Will I survive?

Goodbye TJCTKD.
Say goodbye to the true me.

Store 8.

For ending is also a new beginning.

It has been a year since everything in the comm has started and it sure has been a tough but enjoyable time for everyone.

And with the key being passed on to the next VQM tomorrow evening, it will be the official ending for me in tjctkd. I cannot predict how I will react but I pressume it would be a mixture of tears and laughter like it always is.

Let us enjoy the last moment,
TJCTKD Hustings 2006.

Till then, I shall write more.

问题的深渊

还以为只要沉浸在别人的欢乐与微笑之中，就能把这阵子不开心的事情忘去。

原来，那只是逃避。

我忘了每当一切的欢笑与喧哗结束之后，我又得回到现实。

原来，越是沉浸于别人的快乐之中，自己越是会觉得寂寞。

给我一些空间。赐我一些自由。
给我一些时间去找回我自己。
给我一些时间寻找我需要的快乐。

给我一次哭泣的机会。
在倔强之后，我会难过。

再沉默，我也会难过。

如果 . 爱

这是一部我很喜欢的片子。开场时饰演天使的池珍熹就说了那么的一句话：

每一个人的一生就好像一部电影，而他们是那部电影里的主角。
有的时候他们会以为他们也是别人电影里的主角。
但可能他们只是一个配角，只有一个镜头。
更说不定他们的片断早被人减掉了，自己居然还不知道。

电影里，孙纳为了成名离开了林见东，抛弃了过去可能存在爱情的回忆，她跟过一个个的导演，为了生存，为了达到目的，她可以出卖自己的肉体。十年后，林见东回来了。十年后的这一天，孙那遇见东回到了十年前的北京老家，唤起了许多回忆。就在老家的一亩，林建东通过录音机向孙那诉说了十年来一直想说的话：

1995冬，一年了，你没有回来。回来一次把，就一次，求你了。
1996冬，两年了，我怎么还这么难受。我想见你，就一次。之后我不会留你，我放你走。
1997冬，我好像好一些了。看着这张床，想起了一些事情。心里已经不那么痛了。
1998冬，你为什么这么残忍，我恨你我恨你我恨你。。。为什么你不回来。1999年12月31日，或许我们还会相遇的。
2000冬，你过的好不好。

“我爱上了一个我鄙视的人，你让我一辈子鄙视我自己”

林建东在一夜缠绵后狠心离开，让她也体味当年一走了之后的撕心裂肺。但是这样的结果真的是他想要的吗。不是，不是。他报复了，可不是他要的。于是他回头，终于在曾经拥抱的雪地找到了她，紧紧抱在怀里，两个人一霎那泪流满面。

最后两个人没有在一起，因为他和她都不能回到从前，十年前的分离就已经注定了现在的结果。但是，我觉得，林见东会不带走一点遗憾地离开，因为他证明了十年之前他们有过爱，那就足够了，这也是困扰了他十年的心结。

十年，那太久了。

Home ?

Give me a place to go.

Let me be me again.

Hm.