#52. Archives

After almost 2 years of blogging, I guess the only thing I came to like about blogs and diaries is that they allow one or me to reflect on how things have been, how much one has grown and how time can change a person.

And again tonight I realised I was stupid once. Haha.

#51. Reflections

" The real purpose of running isn't to win the race. It is to test the limits of the human heart. Not faster, stronger or higher than anyone else, but just, faster, stronger, higher."

- Mrs Lim Lai Cheng

This post was supposed to come yesterday since it was the last day of the school term, the semester and J1. Its one whole 10 months in a blink of the eye. Pain, laughter, conflicts, happy moments that have evolved into memories. Before all, I just want to make some reflections :)

Its amazing and even terrifying how faster the year has passed and I guess you will agree with me that mugging for O'levels still seem like yesterday and yet the reality comes with us moving on to J2, finished June Common Test and even the once petrified Promotional Exams.

I could still vividly remember myself making my own decision for TJC instead of VJC which most thought I will go into. Like I still say now, TJ is one place I love and I knew right from the start its the school for me. From the very moment I step in there, there's just this feeling which I still cannot describe now, the feeling of The Right One.

The start was a tough one for me when I chose to be special to embark on a new journey on my very own. I was anxious, afraid yet excited in the new school and somehow I don't want to make the same mistake again. And I was glad, I didnt afterall. All along I thought I would have a difficult time making new friends but I survived well, making friends whom I could share my feelings, my past, pain and laughter. I learnt to share, to care, to feel for my friends, all these I didnt acquire before. Also, I learnt to be proud of who I am, where I come from. I'm proud of Junyuan, I'm proud to be nurtured in Junyuan. And I'm glad I made her proud.

Acadamic wise, TJC and the happenings of 2005 taught me alot too. From the many-times top pupil to the no. 195th in ranking today, I learnt to let go, move on, be content with whatever I've now yet at the same time aim for the heights. I share with people what I learnt, I laugh with people at my mistakes and work hard to eliminate them.

Besides, I've also learnt to work better with people, observe whats around, tame my behaviour. And also to go beyond my limits, physically and emotionally or even mentally. Overall, I feel like a better person. :)

But I could have done better too if

1) I have been a noiser girl in class,

2) a more committed member of Scico,

3) a more __________ exco member of tjctkd,

4) open up more to people,

5) try accepting new people into my life,

6) meet more of the c&k esp cakes,

7) mug harder,

8) love more.

But for now, I'm a happy girl like I always say.

With the Passion, Purpose, Drive, I'll be a better person.

#51.Relationships

I believe in love, but not relationships. Period.

Relationships are hard to maintain be it family, friends or between man and woman.
Mother's such a pain nowadays, cos she doesn't really seem to see the pain I'm in.

Goodnight.

#50.Mrs Lim

It feels as though holidays start today. School was slack as we checked the marks, refused S-papers (ya, I did) , did some rahrah, and had our last talk by the Principal. Mrs Lim, who will be leaving in just 2 days time ending her 3 (or issit 4) year serve at the college. I miss her, I mean I really will when I almost teared on her closing speech for Promos 2005. I guess she's the best principal I've ever met so far, her insipring talks with videos, inches tall heels (hah!), daring feat to conquer the newly built adventure tower and all those new and interesting ideas you can't get anywhere else.

Thats all for the principal, now lets get to something else.

My legs are wobbly and I think my left inner thigh is kinda swollen cos one seems bigger than the other (thou both looks big). I'm dead, I'm dead, I can't kick anymore. Grrr...

#49. (:(:(:

生命的样子变得好简单
孤单的夜里我不孤单
爱过的人显得坚强
哭著或笑著入睡都一样
最美丽的脸庞是明早的太阳
孤单的夜里我不孤单
爱过就没有遗憾
笑著或哭著醒来都无妨
有个人住在我的心上
久久长长

In the end, I after much considerations, choose not to appeal but to stick on to my 4As. Goodbye LSE, may we meet. Local Us can be just as good too right? I presume so. :)

3 more days to holidays people. 6 more days to Chinese A's and 15 more days to end of PW, weiwei. Look forward! ^-^

Grr, no more tutorials for me, I'm not going to do them, Nono!
Self-testimonial? Like, Wendy is a responsible and committed QM, bblahblahblah, Oh crap!

Anyway, Daddy has agreed to recontract Singnet and that is my reward for a 3 yr contract.

Goodnight and Goodbye.

#48.I'm a happy woman.

Today is a happy day, even though it wasn't supposed to be.
I can be a year 2, you see.

Even though I'm not eligible yet(not about being a J2), I've been thinking of appealing. Maybe, LSE is not that far away too... However, can I do it? can I cope with all that it takes to LSE?

It may be a dream.
And always a dream if I never try, at all.

#48. All I Ask Of You

Say you love me every waking moment.
Turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always.
Promise me that all you say is true.
That's all, I ask of you.

All I want is freedom,
A world with no more night.
And you always beside me,
To hold me and to hide me.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

#47. Happy Always.

I'm getting better already. I must be.
I know I cannot keep grieving, grieving and grieving. I mean, there is nothing I can do but to accept it, make it best out of it and I think one day, I'll make it. Like what Limin always says, I need to be "Happy Always" :)

WR is finally handed up after about 2 months of hard work, 5 drafts and 1 final piece. I was happy, really for that big burden off my shoulder.

3 days of heavy grieving had made me a lazy bum. FYI, there's this mountain of tutorials and unattended-lecture- lecture notes waiting for me to complete. GRRR.... its just after promos for goodness sake?

Lalala, I cannot slack anymore,
OP? hais.

iPod nano - yesyesyes! :)

#Lost Count. That

Admit it, I'm sad, really sad.

I don't know what has gotten into me, I know I shouldn't be like this but I cannot help. Everyone has been telling me its okay and I'm gonna make it but I know it wasn't going to be like this. You wouldn't be fine too if you were in my shoes let me tell you. But apparently, nobody seems to understand.

And the saddest thing is nobody seems to understand; I just can't find someone I can turn to and who will understand how I feel. Its ok, it really is?

Its not pain, but rather disappointment. And I feel cheated, very cheated and nobody seems to care. It is, unfair but I too know there's nth I can do, not at all. This is the system, this is what I chose, here is my responsibility and I've to bear it all....

I was wondering if I could just not wake up tomorrow morning and all the mornings thereafter. No, I'm not having sucidal thoughts and I'm not so stupid to do so. Afterall, this wasn't the most painful that has ever happen. But i just wish and hope this will end very soon...

I dont' want to think anymore, but can I? Maybe not until 30 Dec 2005 when my fate will be sealed.

#46. Goodbye.

For every 'Hi', there's a 'Goodbye'.

I'm not sad, really because I feel that I've learned much more.
So much more.

I'm really not sad.
I'm really not.
I'm not crying and surprisingly no tears came.

If you do know what happened, please do not tag, thanks.
If you do not know what happen, please do not ask, thanks.
When the time is right, I'll say, I'll.

But for now, Goodbye.

#45. The Team

this and that.

maybe people should just live in solitude.

what is that about teams and groups and whatsoever.

let hope things will get better like they always will and they must. :)

#43.5 我的这颗星，一直都属于你。

“我想知道，每天在地下铁里面，有多少对相恋的情侣”

“怎样才算是相恋？ 我知道吗？我懂吗？”

*

“他们为什么都是闭着眼睛？”

“因为，这是一种享受。就好像吃巧克力一样，你喜欢吃巧克力吗？”

“太甜了。”

“好吃的巧克力，放进嘴巴里是种享受。你会很自然的闭上眼睛。而很多人说，只有在你比上了眼睛的时候，才会看见你最想看见的东西。你现在看见什么？”

‘从前，我一闭上眼睛，就能看到一个人。
但现在，我什么也看不到了。”

--- 《地下铁》 Sound of Colors

#44. Many;

I'm eating, sleeping and even shitting PW.
Oh well.

Results today were satisficing (it makes good sense to you if you're an econs student, for others, sorry for the ostracising cos I simply couldn't find another word). I'm not happy, yet not sad but rather content. Content:) I'll tell more when everything is finalised, really.

Found quite a few prospective jobs on Recruit but unfortunately I'm too packed for the week for any walk-in-interviews. Another, oh well.

There's one thing I cannot understand.
When they can sing, they are assumed to be able to act or host.
When they cannot sing, they are also assumed to be able to act or host. (but apparently they couldn't) What I cannot understand is why we cannot stop having them on the black box; I'm so sick. Ok, maybe only I'm sick of them but can't we just get enough of them dear company M ?
Its the show, then the concert, then the CDs, now what? They're polluting over black box for goodness sake. Please, please please.

Ok, I need a new theme (if there's any now) and skin. Not exactly a new skin cos I really love this but a revamp of the current one. But I'm lazy, busy and so lazy, busy, lazy, busy, lazy, busy blahblahblahblah..

Lazy and busy.

#43. Results, results, results.

Relax, xy, vann, reynold and whoever is so excited over the results. Get a good night sleep and lets face whatever is to come bravely, and we will. :)

Results will be out this week and the comm (except for me of cos) spent the whole afternoon after closing the meeting worrying about what is it going to be. Rumors about the chem marks, the phy marks, the maths marks, the retain rates, blah blah. Like I always say, rumors can kill.

As for me, results do not really matter anymore. I mean it so. For certain subjects, I've done my best, for others very much still needs to be done, which I didnt and I cannot now. What is done is done, accept what that needs to be accept, and this is all.

This is the only piece of advice I want to give which I acquire using 4 months of sorrow:
Results don't kill you, only you do. :)

Retain or not, leave it to fate.
Good luck people, if you need it, mine's with you.

#42. 何等 arbitrary

鞋子留下了

足印
足印l连线成

记忆

走过的路我不会
忘记

-


何等的 arbitrary 的爱。

我们都忘了。
最好 忘记。

不爱一个人 绝不是把他遗忘。
而是，对 他 绝望。

#41. Happy; Happy; Happy; So Happy.

Today is a happy day. Happy happy day.

Number 1, the tkd performance for open house was pretty good I thought.
Happy.

Number 2, econs essay question for wage differential was good, very good say Ivy Lim (the Econs tutor), some marks which I nv ever think I will get lar.
Very Happy.

Number 3, met jyss people, teachers (Mr Yap and smth lala HOD of PCCG? i think lar) and Galistan at our very own TJC open house. Was actually quite surprised that they did that at a school level, (even though not many came) and yea, i think they like TJ pretty well, whatever is the case. Caught up abit with the teachers and ya I thought no one from our ulu school will ever come.
Happy.

Number 4, girls outing. Hohoho, talked alot alot alot. Hah! Relationships... XXX... XXX and XXX.. boys, tkd, blah blah those girly stuff.. and sex. (ok, it isnt really sex but a metaphor lar)
Very Happy.

K, so thats the end of a happy day. Happy happy day :)

-

I'm very tired now; a little hungry with a tired jaw cos I used too much force to talk to Mother.

Strength. Independence. Coldness. Mature. Silence.
But this is one fortress I build for me......

Goodnight.

#40. Much Better; The True Sagittarian.

You are a very emotional and sensitive individual. Your life and love of life is dominated by your emotions - you have great feeling towards your fellow man and you are always full of enthusiasm but be careful, you tend to let your heart rule your head and this being so, you could be easily hurt - as perhaps you may have indeed been hurt in the past.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offense for the slightest reason.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

There is an inherent fear that you may be prevented from achieving the things you want. This activates your subconscious desire for peace of mind and mental security. It is increasingly obvious to you that the environment that you are in is not conducive to your well-being and so you are seeking fresh fields - somewhere free of conflict where you can RELAX and THINK.

Take this test at colorgenics.com

Freedom, philosophy, religion. I guess I'm a very true Sagittarian. I need a lot of freedom, mentally, physically. Friends, family or lover. Thats all I want you to know. This is all.

#39. Reflections

I don't want to grow up. I want to grow old asap. Either.

Ok, I know its kinda weird to want the extremes even though its either but what I really want is not to be an adult or even a young adult.

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I'm kinda disappointed with the happenings lately I guess, although I've always been. With things in life, I'm sick. Very sick. The things that I found no meaning in doing, the time I've wasted doing things I found no meaning in.

I feeling like blasting my ears now but I can't cos pple need to sleep. I feel like writing a all fucked up entry here but I cannot cos it wouldn't be nice to read. I wanna get off trying to stay the same and allowing my life to be controlled by some people with the same red blood as I do but tried hard to be different. I want to fuck up all leaders. Sometimes I just want to stop breathing all together. But you and I know we can't because.. because of other people.

I know its wrong to say that I hate people when they show me concern at times because then I cannot do things that do them wrong. But don't you think its so freaking hard that you have to take into account feelings, thoughts and ideas that are perhaps transcient? I don't know but I feel sick, feel so sick to spare a thought for other people, to care, to concern, to love or whatsoever.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.
I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Sometimes I just want to run away, live in a world of my own, a few books and my camera. To get away from leaders and systems that try to ruin my life with the name of the good for the economy or the country. To get away from constantly trying to spare a thought for ... friends and people whom I love. Its all my suppressed other self trying so hard to break away from everything. All I want is perhaps to tear this fucked up world of mine and release my pissed off soul for maybe, just a moment. But I won't show, I won't show.

Freedom, or more precisely democracy.

I'm feeling better from that bit of writing, really and I know I will feel better. Anyway, I will make myself feel better and I must because the past is too painful an endless pit to fall back again.

***

This is one new discovery about myself: I like intelligent boys. No, its not the kind of intelligent boys you might be thinking of right now- the 4As type or maybe the single pointers. Rather, boys who make me feel stupid. (read: I'm smart. hahhaha) Nah, I'm not boosting or whatsoever but few boys do really make me feel stupid or less intellectual. Perhaps its crap but, he makes me feel he's learned and I want to learn.

But I'm generally satisfied with my emotional life now (although I complained like hell above) because again I must emphasis the love from my friends and family. I always believe love is like energy. Haha, neither destroyed nor created but can transfer from on form to another. And for mine, a current interchange of love from friends and family with total remaining constant.

亲情和友情使我如今的精神支柱。爱情嘛，身外物。我是个相信没有情活不了的人，但没有爱情的生活对我来说反而是种解脱，是自由。心里 unoccupied， 我活得更开心，真的。 爱情那一环节，再说吧。

James Blunt - Tears and Rain

#38. With every closed door is a new open realm.

1.5 weeks, at last. Need I say more?

Hohoho, goodbye promos and hopefully never do we meet again. Haha, I'm super high now although the kind of after examinations spirit hasn't really set itself in me yet. I mean, can you, when you have to spend the entire of your beautiful post-exam afternoon in wait of some meeting which turn out like crap? Or when life goes on the next day with project work and not once more project work?

GRR.
Week is packed till friday with crap. I mean crap?!.
GRR.
Holidays are coming in 2 weeks but still.... packed with crap!? Yes, crap!
GRR.

I think I seriously need a job over the hols, (the MP coffee place rene?) to finance my ever increasing needs.I'm crazy from econs I think, cos I keep thinking I need the ability and willingness to support my demand and can't stop thinking how little I'll earn from my low human capital and poor innate abilities.

Again, GRR.

This post is so GRR but I can't help it cos post-promos turn out so GRR. But again, I'm quite happy that I just bought myself The Cronicles of Narnia. Yayayay!

Sometimes, I'm also just your crazy girl.

Radiohead: Life in a Glass House

#37. Very. Random.

My hands are failing me.
Econs on Tuesday, wtf.

Tonnes to write, zillions to memorize.
Fuck.

I think I'm gonna be paralysed on my right hand after promos.
Argh.

Happy Eleventh Birthday my dear fatty boy though you wouldn't be reading this but I love you.. yesyesyes! :)

And I just hope that whatever that has to happen, let them happen to me.
Leave others alone please.

Please.

# Promotional Exams 2005

Ya, note the 2005 because retain is always a possibility.
Not being pessimistic, but rather, realistic.

But like what Mother said earlier, I've 看开 and I guess I really did. Much, comes with age. I've put in my best this time round, at least for the earlier paper, the rest I leave it to fate and luck.

Anyway, 2 Math papers about 30 hours away and as you should have already know my relationship with Math is always a (fill in the blank) one. Tears and smiles.
Again though I hate to admit, I'm on the verge of tears on maths again. And I'm always like that, I know, ever since the first Amaths exam back in 2003. But miracles don't come twice, or so it seems.

6 more days to go and I can make it.
Before all, I'll get back to maths once more. :)