#145. Men's Talk; Ladies Walk.

Keep away the unhappy thoughts.
I'll live my life the way I want it to be.

Be different.

#144. 牵挂

When you want to prove the equation to be wrong, all you have to do prove a counter argument. But things become more difficult when you are required to show the equation is true as you have to go through all the tedious process to prove all the properties are right and fufilled.

That was Mr Ngoh KK, my FM tutor FYI on Matrices.

On love and life, how apt.

在我心上用力的开枪，
让一切归零在一声巨响。

Goal:

Top 10 for Economics.

婷，加油咯！

Laugh with me, then understand me.

This is a random post.

Today I realised that,... it runs in the family.
From the one inflicted with the pain to the ones with the derived pain, we are all the same.
固执，
嘴硬和
不善于表达。

The thing about me, Father and Father's father is that we're too alike. So much that we cannot talk and refuse to admit it. The hard way, we show our love in the hardest way that sometimes it could be interpreted wrongly.

Sometimes I wish I could be less like him and a little more like Mother. I wish I could just breakdown and cry. I wish I could just pick up the phone and know which number I could actually dial and there will certainly be someone there willing to put down whatever is at hand to listen to me. I wish I could worry less, think shorter. I wish, I wish, I wish for alot of things. But they can only be wishes.

*

And there is still a gap between classmates and friends.

Sometimes I do want someone to ask me if I'm alright instead of whether I know how to do my tutorial. I do wish for someone who understands me, or at least bothers to. Just sick, just sick of facing the system and the people. But I dont blame them cos its my fault for being individualistic and there's still a distance between being classmates and being friends. Even us friends, with that little emotional fabric, how far can we go? I want to know...

Let everyone of us be happy, be healthy and be problem-free again.
If there is really a need for someone to bear it all...

then let it be me.

Maybe, just laugh with me so that I can leave my other emotions alone.

On your own.

Most of the time its like this lar.
You cannot help but feel disappointed and more sadden by the people around you.

Most people just don't understand.
I can understand that as I don't want to understand others too, cos that would be too hard on myself.

For all that insisting, complaining and deserting,
leave me alone people, just laugh at my jokes and leave my emotions alone.

Let us be happy again.

Why don't let me be the one?

Most people of our age get upset about having to:
pass their tests,
finish mountains of tutorials,
win medals,
adapt to the system,
build healthy social relationships
aceing minor common tests, promos, prelims and eventually the As,
cope with heavy ccas,
decide where to eat, shit and shop,
deal with love and relationship and all that rara stuff,
money for tuition, for buying beautiful clothes or jus to plainly go shopping.

But we forgot that such problems are not significant problems when it comes to life and death. Unless you're experiencing all that were ever mentioned at the same time and maybe something more terrible than that. Sometimes, some people just make such a big fuss out of problems that arent even classified as problems at all.

Is not being affected wrong?
Is trying so hard not being affected terribly wrong?
Does it mean there is no pain just because one doesnt show the pain?
Does not asking equals not caring, not concerning?
Is not crying being cold?
Is being cold wrong?
Sometimes we just dont want to show, right?

*

One event down, 2 more to go.

This has been a fucking terrible week for me. Besides exhausted physically ala my fellow tkd mates, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted too. Things have happened just too fast and too sudden for us to take and I don't know, I seriously don't know when I haven't had the time since to even sit down and think it through.

I don't want to be taken for granted anymore. And instead of trying so hard to look for someone to tell things to in hope to solve whatever is at hand, I've decided to solve them myself, one by one. Not saying is not because of not trusting but rather of too trusting and concern.

I will make it like I always do. I hope I will not be affected in the end.
Meanwhile, let me be alone for a while.

Just kindly leave me alone to get out of this pain for a while, thanks.

It is all in the head.

It will be alright wendy.
Everything is gonna be alright.

You nv like that and I nv stop doing it.

Can I talk to you? Should I talk to you? How do I talk to you?

I'm tired. Everything just seem to crumble down all at one time.
Please tell me what should I do, tell me how to be strong. Tell me that God will answer my prayers. Tell me everything will be alright.
Tell me that everything will be well again.

I think I need to talk to you, cos you still seem to understand best, though I tried so hard to deny it.
Should I? Will you listen to me?

I think I might try.

*

And weijie cannot be more right tonight when he says,

"Why don't you say wendy is already dead inside?"

I don't want to just plainly listen and advise anymore.

Connect.

Don't wait anymore.
Lets not wait anymore, alright?

*

Listen, thats all I need of you.

累，累，累。

真的也好，装的也罢，最坚强的人也有脆弱的时候吧？
我还是真的有点累得麻木了。

但这也只不过是开始罢了，要挨的日子还长着呢...
大家都要努力哦！：）

为自己也好，为别人也罢，
我必须要坚强！

习惯一个人的沉默

习惯了一个人上街去
漫步在街道上
看着路人的脚步
细细品着属于自己的快乐与凄情
没有曾经的嬉笑 没有往日的气息
心中竟有一无所有的轻松

习惯了一个人回家
坐在公车上 看着这个熟悉且陌生的城市
有太多的容忍与不羁 没有一点像回家的感觉
想逃
但却不舍得逃

习惯了一个人在房间里沉吟
想想逝去的繁华与热闹 想想所谓的爱情
我在乎吗 我又能不在乎吗

习惯了一个人看着照片
我不喜欢照片 我喜欢的是欢笑
有什么关系呢
只是我都听不到照片里的笑声了
但能陪在我身边的唯有它
习惯了一个人静静的看着钟表
数着分分秒秒 数着人来人往
数着聚散离合
数着这世间一点一滴流逝的热情

习惯了一个人去散步
草地的空旷让人感动与沉沦
影子陪着我 我陪着影子
找寻着只属于我们的世界

习惯了一个人去看日落
啃噬着无人相伴的寂寞
心头却有种莫名的感动
为这难得的休闲
为这无言的冷笑

习惯了一个人看着茫茫的夜空
满天的星星
让自己的失落漫漫荡漾
恣意的流淌
一闪一闪
直到把自己湮没
只是远处的乌云飘来了

习惯了一个人品咖啡的日子
没有酸甜苦辣
没有喜怒哀乐
隔着一层薄薄的玻璃
窗外是淅淅沥沥的雨
一滴一滴的撞击着我的心扉 竟是如此疼痛难忍

习惯了一个人睡觉
再没有牵挂 再没有心悸
享受着只属于自己的被窝
享受着只属于自己的温度
在梦中肆无忌惮的放任着自己
白日的彷徨与精彩都是在昨天了

习惯了一个人在家
独自品书
品茶
品咖啡
独自关注电视的纷纷扰扰
独自关注网络上的虚幻和真实
一切都已经习惯
即使习惯一个人的孤独
但是仍然没有

习惯一个人的寂寞
独自走在纷扰的马路上
看着闪着光亮的黑箱子在眼前奔驰看着陌生的人和陌生的香味在身边把自己包围。 我掉进了一个大染缸。 我常常这样想。 把自己至于不喜欢的地方，是否是一种逃避和懦弱？ 我曾经这样问自己。也问别人。 没有人给我正确的答案。 我找不到答案了。 这就是我最准确的答案。 于是，我继续把我自己至于不喜欢的地方。独享寂寞……

习惯了一个人的日子。有很多收集泪水的时光。无数次的颓废和徘徊，直到可以直接落在另一个人的肩膀…… 习惯了一个人的夕阳。虽然一个人的夕阳难免有点孤独和忧伤，可是那火红的霞光却时常让人涌起莫名的感动。那份热泪盈眶的心情直到有另 一个人的分享…… 　
习惯了一个人的想象。虽然一个人的想象难免不切实际，难免充满忧伤，但我仍坚持这样的想象直到有个人走进我的梦想……
习惯了一个人读月。其实月亮也有很多烦恼的心思。我们互相倾诉彼此的心境。它总是默默地问我:为什么你总是独自一人?我说:我有影子陪我 !它笑了:为什么另一个人也总是这样说? 　
习惯了一个人看雨。一个人看雨真的很有哲理，雨水先是一滴一滴，渐渐的一条一条，最后一片一片……雨和人一样的。人起先也是一个一个 的，到了后来有了自己的小家，再到后来就有了一个大家庭。现在的你是一滴，一条还是一片呢? 习惯了一个人的音乐。一个人的音乐是心灵最深处地呻吟。也许只有自己才听得懂，可是却依然希望把未来的世界来打动。音符里是一份含泪 的沧桑，无限的困惑，痴迷的绝望……相信吧，总会有一个人了听你的绝唱!习惯了一个人 习惯了一个人的早餐，一个人开始新的一天，没有不确定，没有无奈，因为，没有期待……
习惯了一个人上路，没有方向，没有归期，只想找一个属于自己的地方停留……
习惯了一个人听歌，关掉所有的灯，只有ＣＤ机那忧蓝的光，那一刻一切都静止。我随着歌声，或激动或阴郁……
习惯了一个人独坐，可以没有音乐，没有咖啡。但不可以没有香烟。在我还不能舍弃的时候。 习惯了一个人醉，醉在昏暗的灯光里。忘记时间，忘记存在，忘记还没有忘记的过去。酒醉后，我还可以做回我自己，依旧麻木的自己。
习惯了一个人回家，坐在ＴＡＸＩ的后座，看两旁高楼像浪一样的袭来，然后又消失在视线中…… 　　 终于没有你的消息 在这午夜时分 你是否依然还在怀念当初的热吻？ 物是人非 习惯一个人……

夜深时，
习惯了面对屏幕却不想睡觉，
因为曲终人散后，
仍旧还是一个人的孤单，
虽然我已经习惯
习惯太多一个人的习惯会让自己习惯

你说得对，对得入骨，对得令我兴奋又害怕。
我想我还是少了许多勇气。

Muddy Grass.

Mardi Gras is finally over.
I really need a lot of rest. A lot.

Anyway, Mardi Gras made me miss snick snacks.
I miss sec 3.

Hm.

Latent.

Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck.

Sometimes, you need a little more than a world of your own. So just shut up and fuck off, thanks!

Be Happy.

Things are going to get better cos' there's always tomorrow.

There's always tomorrow?

Be Happy, Wendy. :)

21 days.

And so we celebrated Xiaoying's birthday twice in 2 days.



This is the cake the tkd peeps had for xy :)


This is then the real bday cake after a big wooha gotcha from the pizzahut people.


The girls @ Sakae!!!


The 4 insane men.


And all the 8 of us together.











Happy Pre-Happy Birthday Xiaoying!!! :)

Anyway, share my dreams before 42 at 42岁前要做的24件事